Fuck this shit

That about says it all.

I'm tired of pretending to be happy and that everything is great.

Basti needs surgery - $2900 to $3500 worth of surgery. There goes my bonus. I would spend money I didn't have to (hmm, I am spending) money I don't have to make him not be in pain and have a normal life. I LOVE MY DOGS. I LOVE MY KIDS. I LOVE MY CATS. I LOVE XXXXX. Good, bad, sick, healthy, grouchy, happy - that's just the way life goes. I am very, very, very lucky to have friends who love me too (or at least pretend to).

Sometimes, I just want to drive my car really fast into a wall or off a bridge and not have to live anymore. Some people want to take pills and/or slash their wrists. Done that. Didn't do it right. If and when I want to do it right, it's with a car. Thelma and Louise-ish - only alone. I think I have unresolved issues. I think I'm feeling sorry for myself. I think/know I'm pretty f*ed up in the head these days. Who knows? Who cares? No one.

C'est la vie.

Sad

Sooooo sad. Just depressed lately. Dropped K off at college, looked around Berkeley. Found a great big HUGE comic store, which is now my favorite out-of-state one. Ate a really good French breakfast at La Note on Shattuck street. That's where the comic store is too. The store is Comic Relief and they have a cat in the store!

I lost my license somewhere at the SFO airport, 3 flights that I was going to get on yesterday got cancelled by United. I got into Denver at midnight, home at 1:11 a.m., I haven't had any coffee yet, I miss my daughter, how can someone be in a relationship but hiding at the same time, why do I care, why do I have OCD so bad, why does my dog have to have arthroscopic surgery and cost me tons of money? LIFE SUCKS SOMETIMES. I need a nap.

I'm going to try to find some good things to think about.

So you know the saying...

I don't regret the things I did, I regret the things I didn't do?

Well, I really am regretting and do regret, blowing the chance to say...give me a minute, I can see you are upset about this and we need to talk this through instead of no, I guess I really don't get it. Oh sure, I have tons of excuses, my contacts were really bothering me, I was tired from getting up early to get the car all ready to go skiing (did you even realize all the work I put into that? and how early I got up?) but that fact of the matter is, I could have just taken a second and realized it was really important to you and we could have talked it through and gotten it straightened out instead of getting into a huge fight. I have lost much more than my best friend.

Unfortunately, you can't change things that have already happened but I do really regret not taking your feelings into consideration and am very sorry.

Off to play in another District Championships. I'm the only one on my team yesterday that won any of their matches. There were 6 of us. I played with K and C and won both the matches. Everybody else lost. Thank goodness it's almost the weekend and N and I are going out!!!

Today is my WONDERFUL BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER's birthday!!! I love her so much!

Sunday, Sunday

AArgh! Yesterday William Gibson was at the Boulder Book store and I had to work. Damn it all. I have to read the paper daily instead of a week later as if I had, I would have known it yesterday and not today.



Oh well. I went to workout and did the 24Grooves class with a guy named Teeq. That was fun. Then I went to Tattered Cover and got a mocha latte (2%ish) and I bought some books. One of which was Spook Country. I also bought Winkie in paperback (been waiting for it), the second book in by John Twelve Hawks, The Dark River (follow up to the Traveler - great off the grid story) How Soccer Explains the World by Franklin Foer.



I still have to make the lineup for tomorrow's daytime match, Tuesday and Wednesday's Districts and I'm not motivated to do it.

Oh yeh, I also bought a cute magnet that says: "Women and cats will do as they damn well please. Men and dogs had better get used to it". It has a picture of a woman holding a HUGE cat (bigger than Oliver and Buster and they are both BIG cats).

It's very hot outside as it has been all this week. I'm B-O-R-E-D. K and I get to have a "special night" tonight as M is gone. We have plans to watch some of last seasons Law and Order, Criminal Intent on my laptop. I can't believe I am taking her to college next weekend. I hope I can hold it together and not cry. This from someone who cried when she went to her first day of middle school, her first day of high school etc.. Not where she could see me of course, but after I dropped her off.
It will be fun to go visit her but both of our lives are about to change big time!

Good thing her laptop will have an icamera in it so I will be able to video chat with her. Of course, her college wants them to have Macs. Art = Mac's. She has to take a class next semester that will teach her to create using Painter or some software, so that's good. I'm getting her a laptop with lots of memory and a fast cpu.

I guess I read or watch a movie now. I already took a nap this a.m. My SFCW is not here today!!! I'm missing the finals of the Babalot Boulder Open and some good tennis today.

Saturday

I have found some neat stuff today! From reading the interview with William Gibson that is on Salon today. Second Life looks really neat. I could do with a second life.

a) Second Life

b) Juztapoz - Art and Culture Magazine online

c) LCSV4 - LCSVR (linked here from Juxtapoz - This is the Illustration news portal)

Off to go workout in about 10 minutes. Gonna lift heavy.

Tired today, probably because I upped my meds. Gotta do what I gotta do for right now. It's all good.

Think I will call G latter to make plans for next August in North Carolina.

I did call G! That was great and just what I needed.

Oh, I applied online to be on the new tv show LA Ink. I want to get a really neat cute hot, sexy pinup tennis bunny/girl on my arm and cover up the tattoo I have on my left arm. N will come with me when I get selected.

No title

I am not well and am feeling pretty fucked in the head.

What's up???

I am so sick of drama queens. If everyone who played tennis quit and pouted and acted petulantly after every loss than there would be no one playing tennis! Jeez.

I am reading and really enjoying the graphic novels of Fables. My daughter and son are reading and enjoying them as well. It's fun to pick out the different characters and figure out where they are from. Nursery rhyme? Book? Fairy tale?


I've been working out at 24hour fitness down here in Highlands Ranch. It's a nice gym and I like the classes. I took a 24Grooves class a couple of Sundays ago and had a blast.

We are going to have lots of grapes this late summer/fall. Last year we only had one very small bunch but this year we have at least 15 big bunches! Yippee!

M and I have been playing WOW again. It's taking me awhile to learn my old alts and what they can do/can't do. Great to be able to just play a bit and then quit. It's too bad they don't make Guild Wars for the Mac, that would be a fun game.

Time to load up on Crystal Lite.

I really would like to let loose with a bunch of swear words because I'm really ticked off today.
I need some good kick ass music like the Used (Liar, Liar) or L7 or something just F* you stupid f*ing loser ahole type stuff. Or maybe even the Waitresses, Wasn't tomorrow wonderful?

Get tough, don't be so patient
Get smart, head up, shoulders straight
Since when is it a disaster?
If the "S" on your cape is a little frayed?

Things I have learned from District playoffs

1) captains will stack teams. In a sense, I did because I initially had S and J as #1 doubles and Lisa and me as #2 doubles and K and S as third doubles. Because I let S convince me that I should play #1 and the other team stacked their lineup and put their absolute weakest doubles team as #1, Lisa and I won easily and my #3 doubles lost.

2) women can be really nasty and refs can be stupid. Case in point (and just in case anyone is reading this that "does" know tennis this will be easy to understand) I had a pair of tight undershorts on (UnderArmor ones - not tennis specific) and Lisa was about to serve, I was trying to put the extra ball in my shorts, I couldn't get it under there by the time she started her serve so I let the ball drop out and pushed it to the side of the court. We played the point and won the point and were about to start to server at 40-15. THEN two beeatches from the opposing team ran out and told the ref that the ball had fallen out. A) the point was over B) the two people we were playing didn't say anything C) the ref is not supposed to be talked to like that and D) according to my friend N, I'm not supposed to call a let because she said it's in the rules AND she looked it up. Stupid ref. Doesn't matter as Lisa and I won.

3) when putting together a team, make sure you have strong singles players as well as strong doubles players.

4) MAKE SURE that no one has anything scheduled (like a Fray concert) that would make them have to miss one of the matches. If S hadn't gone to the concert, she could have played and we would have won. Plain and simple.

5) MAKE SURE that all team members have the same attitude towards winning and improving as the others. I have no room on my teams for someone who loses 6-0, 6-0 and then says, even if you advance tomorrow, I'm not playing. 90% of my team really is working on getting better, lessons, clinics, practice, practice, practice and I have one or two that are just not at the same place.

6) People who self-rate and then win everything at level and play up and win at the next level should be disqualified.

It would be so easy to sit here and go, well if S had played we would have won, or if I had stuck to my guns and kept the lineup the way I had it initially, we would have won but I can't. It is what it is and we are lucky to have gone anyways and wouldn't have if D. B. (see #6) hadn't gotten disqualified and bumped her team out of first place.

Lastly, WE ROCK. We had an excellent time, played some awesome tennis and played our hearts out (and I played great too, if I don't get moved up to 3.5, I'm going to be SO PISSED).

OH, right now, Lisa and I are rated 4th in the state in doubles.

Happy Birthday to me. Next birthday, I'm going to the beach and doing mushrooms and getting WASTED with my bestest friends.
woo-hoo!