What is an ENIGMA? Or "The ENIGMA"?

FUCK.

A bunch of bad stuff has happened lately. Steve Swink died. N and M had to put their sweet kitty to sleep because she was very sick and couldn't breathe. Just bad things. People seem to just be sad lately. I know I am. It's very hard to give up and turn my back on a dream.

I hope Bastie is ok. I might have to get him some more pain pills. I hope he enjoys his swimming/treadmill this Friday.

I think I will go lift some weights.

I booked the flight home for Ms. K at Thanksgiving and I booked my flight out to San Francisco next month to see Ms. K. Now I just have to decide where to stay and what to do! I "should" be excited but I'm feeling kinda morose today.

I finished "The Emperor's Children" and I didn't like it. Pretentious.

I watched The 300 and I watched The Good Shepherd. I liked the 300 and I thought the Good Shepherd was crap. Matt Damon did an excellent job of showing absolutely zero emotion during the entire movie. Very, very long boring movie.

So, I guess my x boyfriend thinks he is an "enigma". Puzzling, mysterious or inexplicable.... hmm. Interesting.

Next trip coming up

I am going to go visit K in October and we are going to go to Monterey for Friday and Saturday night. Either stay in Monterey or Santa Cruz.

She has to see the aquarium. They have a giant octopus! Then I'm trying to decide if we should go on a horseback ride/trail ride or maybe sea kayaking. She has never been sea kayaking and I'm pretty sure we could see some otters up close and personal. They are so cute. I'd also like to go to Big Sur. That's a beautiful place.

Tennis season is officially OVER!!! I lost a total of 4 matches this season (I think, I'll have to double check to make sure and I'd better get moved up next year).

I called Susie Finley about the swimming/physical therapy for Bastie. It is so hard to keep him semi-still. He still is limping but it doesn't seem to hurt him like it did before. We'll see. Cheyenne kept waking me up last night with her chewing on her toenails. I was thinking she was chewing on my skirt zipper.

I played a little WOW last night with Lirael who is a 28.5. Gretchien and Moggett are both at the bottom of the levels needed for pvp and I wouldn't want to take them in a battleground being only a 30 or 40. I didn't play any WOW with Ssheena as I did get the fast ram for her and now have no tokens for Alterac Valley.

N wants me to do speed dating and I know tomorrow she is going to push me to let her take pictures and put them up on match.com. Not in the mood. Still hurt.

Actually, what I'd like to do is go home now. It's 3:30, I didn't take a break yesterday, so technically, I could leave at 4. The sfcw has a cough which is just terrible to always have to listen to. I want to go get a pedicure! K called today but I was on the phone and couldn't take her call. Bummer. I'm glad she calls me a lot. I know it will change when she makes her own friends and starts having more of a life.

I'm angry at my x. Stupid shit. I need to put a picture in here with this post. Hmmm... let's see.

BASTARD!!!

FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT.

There, I feel better now.

Chance encounter with x playing WOW this afternoon as my alt, Moggett.

A different view today

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I have some more lyrics today as well as a new viewpoint. I started thinking about this last night or was it this a.m. when I was awake and unable to go back to sleep?
Can't remember.

If XXXXX (all instances of "his" name have been removed from this blog and there is no way anyone could know who I was referring to, unless of course, they know me or him but...doubtful) wanted to and was truly in LOVE with his new girl, he could be posting things that I would look at and really feel like SHIT for looking at and he's not. Whether it is because he doesn't have a camera anymore (gave it back to me) or he's just too busy being in love to post any pictures or use her in any of his sketches or drawings or whatever, I don't know and I don't care. The fact remains that I am slightly OCD and look at his myspace and webpage all the time. If I looked and he had a picture of "them", it would hurt, hurt, hurt and I would feel tossed away even more than I do now. So just in case, this ever gets read, and I doubt it will, I'd like to say "thanks" for not posting stuff that you know would really hurt me and for maybe, just maybe knowing that and that being the reason you have not posted them. Of course, if XXXXX is just clueless and isn't thinking about what he does or doesn't do hurting or not hurting me, than you are an asshole idiot/idiot asshole whichever sounds better.

The truth is, if and when I get into another relationship, it's going to be with someone who has their own house or condo, credit cards, and an established career. I thought that going out with someone who had/has no money and really, no immediate future as well as no motivation and drive would be ok and it wouldn't bother me but it did. Soooo.. I can only wish all parties involved good luck for the future. Maybe one day you can actually rent your own place!! Or drive a car that you didn't buy for $500 and is a piece of shit!!! Or even have a motorcycle that works instead of 3 broken ones in your own garage!!

Enough being bitter. It's 8:51 a.m. and I'm semi-awake now after my earlier nap. I have books to read, movies to watch.
Book = The Emperor's Children
Movies = Disturbia, March of the Penguins and The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill.
I'm off to 24 Hour Fitness in about 30 minutes to do a weight class, then back here for the rest of the day.

I can't deny I'm hurt and sad. I've got a lot going on in my life right now. Basti's surgery, K away at college, heartache and plus, I'm doing Alterac Valley with Ssheena trying to get a fast mount put I have enough for a EPIC (purple) weapon now...

Finishing this post with some of the lyrics to a Enrique Iglesias song, entitled, "Don't you forget about me" (no, this is not the 80's song)..

they say love is just a game
they say time can heal the pain
sometimes you win, sometimes you lose
and i guess i'm just a fool
i keep holding on to you

i told you once you were the one
you know that i'll die for you
Although it hurts to see you go
oh this time you should know
i won't try to stop you

don't you forget about me baby
don't you forget about me now
some day you'll turn around and ask me, why did i let you go

Darth Federer (queue the music)...

My prediction, Darth aka Roger Federer over Davydenko in 3 straight sets, followed by a 4 set win over Djokovic for his 4th straight US Open championship!!!

I'm doing better today. I am bummed but at least I'm not having to take anxiety pills.
My X has "disappeared" from the internet. He has posted no new art, hasn't logged on to his myspace since the beginning of August and is no doubt, knowing him, telling all his friends I am stalking him.

Let's take a minute and define stalking. Stalking is threatening and makes the person feel afraid of being harmed. Am I doing that? Nope. Would I do that? Nope.
I never even confronted D, who my X husband is still with and who was having an affair with him. Why? Class, morals, ability to differentiate between what is right and wrong and acceptable versus unacceptable behavior.

I'm sure his new girlfriend will discover all the things he tries to hide all by herself and if she is as young as I think she is, well, she wouldn't listen to an old fart like me anyway. I was thinking this morning on my drive to work while I was listening to my new CD mix, Getting over You, and singing along to Alanis Morrisette:

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?

I was thinking and remembering how I felt totally smothered by him. How I felt like I was the only thing in his life and how he had no other friends or life outside of his work. So much pressure to always be there. How he couldn't make any decisions on his own. How he constently accused me of underestimating him, when in reality, I was OVERESTIMATING him and he proved it over and over. How much it really bothered me that he was just so clueless about how to live on his own and how to take care of himself.
How childlike he was. How much he liked to drink. C'est la vie. Let's go back to Alanis for a sec...

I want you to know, that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An younger version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre

What else is on my mix? "I want Love" by Elton John (I had to watch the video cause it has Robert Downey Jr. in it and I absolutely LOVE him).

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams" by Green Day, "Not Big" by Lily Allen

Now listen I think you and me have come to the end of our time,
What d'you want some kind of reaction?
Well ok that's fine,
Alright how would it make you feel if I say you never made me
come?
In the year and a half that we spent together,
Yeah I never really had much fun.

Michelle Branch, "Are you Happy Now?", Weezer, "The Good Life"

Excuse the bitchin'
I shouldn't complain
I should have no feeling
This feeling and this pain

As everything I need is denied me
And everything I want is taken away from me
But who do I got to blame?
Nobody but me

WHATEVEEER. Two crazies don't make a right and he is crazier than me!!! Yes, I will admit to being hurt and wanting to hurt back. Stupid g*damn muthaf*ing idiot asshole.

Fine, I get it.

"it's not healthy" "I'm in a serious relationship" etc. I get it. I hope she adores you and worships you like you wanted me to do.
I hope she doesn't mind you not having very much money. I hope she doesn't mind that you say you are going to do things and then you never do. I hope she doesn't mind that you are a little uptight and inexperienced sexually. I hope she likes to drink as much and as often as you do. I hope she loves you and treats you with respect and doesn't look down her nose at you like I did, because you have no clue what is going on in the world and didn't even know what a 401k was until I told you. I hope she is your muse. I hope she breaks your heart like you broke mine. I'd say I hope she can turn you on as much as I did but I doubt she can - skill like I have comes with a lot of practice. Practice, another thing - you try something once or twice at the most and then give up. For over 8 years I have thought about you and wondered where you were and who you were with and how you were doing and if you would ever contact me. You never did. It was always me. I get it now, I really do. What you don't know and what I never told you was how crushed I was when I finally had to back away from you before because you were in love with Susan. How crushed I was when you said you weren't going to come visit me back then. How I cried all the time, lost tons of weight, had the shakes and chatters and couldn't stop. Seriously thought suicide. Very, very bad depression. Then a couple of days ago I realized, because those feelings are what I know. Those feelings are what I was taught by my parents. I am a worthless piece of shit. I am a failure. Most of the time, I haven't had someone to nurture me, share himself with me, or care deeply about everything that happens to me. For much of my life, I haven't felt that I am special to someone. For the most part, I have never had someone who really listens to me, understands me, or is tuned into my true needs and feelings.

When I received all the things I had given you back it was like getting a slap across the face. I gave you those things because I loved you and I wanted you to have them. They were yours. I think that you must deal with things by just wiping the person out of your memory banks. Nope, never happened? Sara? Nope. Don't remember her. That's sad. I'm sad. I just want to go to sleep and never ever ever wake up.

Yeh, I wish you a good life too. Thanks for the wedding dress you sent to my online WOW character. I guess that was just a joke of some sorts too.

I was not a bad girlfriend. I was a great girlfriend. I am not evil. I am worth remembering. I loved you for who you were - with all you quirks.